Skillful leaders focus on behavior. Wandering into the realm of trying to reason out what your team members think, feel or believe is dangerous territory. Yet this is a common mistake that so many leaders make.
Using any version of the phrase, “you have a bad attitude,” when working with a subordinate is a copout. It’s either unskillfulness, laziness or both. If you can’t describe a specific behavior or set of behaviors, then the “problem” is most likely yours.
Before you play the bad attitude card, hit the pause button. Take a step back and do some thoughtful self-analysis. What are you upset about? What behavior has the other person engaged in that is causing you to judge their attitude? Are they showing up to work late? Are they speaking condescendingly to others in the group? Are they not hitting their agreed-upon goals? Are they disruptive in meetings? Or, are they questioning your decisions? Are they acting with more independence than you are comfortable with? Are they acting with good humor and ease when you think things should be serious (or conversely, are they serious when you want to have fun?) Is the behavior a problem for the successful functioning of the team or is it a problem for you? Skillful leaders know the difference.
If it’s a problem for you, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address it. It may, however, change the way you address it. If it’s your problem, own it. Direct communication means being able to talk about how you are interpreting your team member’s behavior. One helpful rule is to use the following phrase:
"When you ____, I think/feel, _____."
For example:
When you come late to my staff meeting, I think you don’t value the team’s time.
When you question my decisions in front of the group, I feel like you are trying to undermine my authority.
When you show up to the office dressed like that, I feel like you don’t respect the image we are trying to project to our customers.
Notice we don’t say, “You don’t value the team’s time,” “you are trying to undermine my authority” or “you don’t respect the image we are trying to project.” Those statements assume we know what the other person is thinking. When we say, “… I feel like…” or “… I think that…,” we are talking about our own thoughts and feelings and it gives us an opening for a less defensive, more meaningful conversation.